...a young mother is home with her one year old son, all snuggly asleep in his bed, while she roams the house trying to find something to do. The cable has gone out due to either the thunder or lightening, or both, which means that there is no TV or computer to entertain her until she turns in for the night. Cleaning is her forte, but she is tired of cleaning. Organizing seems like a good idea, so upstairs she heads to put some clothes away and dilly dally around the 2nd floor.
She spots a stack of baby books she's been collecting for quite some time, leaning against the dresser in the guest room. Amongst them are baby journals given as gifts, some are chock full of baby names, and some are just "what to expect" while expecting. Out of curiosity, she sits on the guest bed with the stack of books and starts to thumb through the pages in one of the journals, since she'd been too busy to ever sit and look through it before. Or so she thought...
The world stops spinning and everything comes to a complete standstill. The shaky words begin..."I can't believe I'm pregnant already. I can tell Matt is a little stressed about it, I mean, we've got a massive hole in our backyard and there is no way our house will be finished by the time this baby is born. There's just no way. I should be happy, but I'm kind of...not. Is that bad?" Time suddenly reversed back to the summer of 2006 and she let the memory just flow, like a dam breaking over a waterfall.
Just a few days later she went in for her first ultrasound with her mother-in-law for some support. Little did she know, she'd need it. The technician gouped the gel all over her belly and proceeded with the ultrasound, like she'd done it a million times that day already. She's supposed to be a pro. But how come this pro couldn't find the baby's heartbeat? She tried, but couldn't find it. Some words were spoken..."it's probably too early to tell....maybe you've got your period dates all mixed up...it's just too soon in the pregnancy...." She had stopped listening at "I can't find a heartbeat."
The ride home was dull compared to the ride down. On the ride down, her belly was doing flip flops as she'd finally gathered up some excitement for this pregnancy, for this child. She had a handful of baby names she liked that she'd later run by her husband. She had the pregnancy journal her father-in-law picked out at some store. She had a yellow onesie that her best friend gave her as a congrats gift. Even though the house was far from ready, everything was lining up. It was all falling into place. Everything felt perfect on the ride down. Now the car felt foreign. She didn't want to be in that car anymore, she wanted to be in a different car, in a better mood, with a healthy baby growing inside of her.
She was told to wait another week, for another ultrasound. That, was the longest week of her life. Laying in bed for six nights, next to her husband, wondering if it was just the 2 of them, or if a third little person was listening to them chat about their day. Keeping busy was key, or else she'd drive herself crazy with the wonder of it all. "Are you there baby? It's me, Mommy." As if she was going to get an answer...but it was worth a shot when nothing else was making any sense at all.
The second ultrasound. This time, her husband is present. He sits at the end of the bed while she prays for the technician to work her magic. "Please, find something. Look harder this time. Don't miss my baby's heartbeat." And yet, nothing. She sits up and wipes the gel off her belly, as if she's trying to erase the pregnancy altogether. She wishes she could. She wishes she hadn't gotten pregnant at all. She wishes....she doesn't know what she wishes. She just knows she didn't wish for this.
Another drive home with no baby. In just a matter of weeks, her life went from expecting, to nervously expecting, to happily expecting, to scared to death, to completely crushed, to a Mother who had to say goodbye before she got to say hello. She knew there would be a reason for all of this one day, and people tried to reassure of the exact same thing, but her heart wouldn't truly accept it. At least that is until...
This little person came along to make her a true believer in "everything happens for a reason."
Maybe that's why she didn't bother keeping up with the pregnancy journal that time around. Who needs a journal to remind her of all the precious moments she had while carrying him for so long? Who needs a few scribbled words to recollect what it felt like to hear the words "We have a heartbeat, and it's excellent." Who needs a specific date to mark when and where she was when she felt him move for the first time? It was January 15th, 2007, at her in-laws house by the way. Who needs that first journal of that first pregnancy, when she will always know deep down in her heart, who that baby gave up it's place for?
It had been so long since she dug out that part of her, and it felt good. It will always be there, it's just put away now. The journal is put away, her son is lying in his crib, and she is a Mom who continues to roam the house, looking for something to do on a stormy night.