32

I turn 32 years of age today. I am healthy, I live in a lovely home, and am married to the best man in the world. I have two incredible children, an amazing, supportive family, and great friends. I never thought in a million years I would end up this lucky. I am so blessed.

Happy Birthday to me. :)

Paging June Cleaver

Failing sucks. And lately, I feel as though I'm failing miserably as a mother. I just wish I could go back and un-do it all, and start over. Start fresh. I suppose that would take the entire journey away, and that's what parenting is: a journey. I wish I could've been more prepared for its ups and downs. And for the times that there are so many more downs than ups. I just want happy children, and one of them never seems to be happy. Can you guess which one?

I also just wish I would stop letting the chaos get to me and take it like a grown-up, instead of throwing tantrums like my 3 year old. Where is the June Cleaver in me? Why can't I just stand there in my apron and pearls and fancy up-do and say "Well dear, when you're done throwing matchbox cars at me and your sister, you can join us for supper." Instead I get so angry at him for acting like a 3 year old. Because you know, he's THREE.

How do teen parents do it? You know, those 16 year olds that pop out several kids. I'm 32 and can barely keep it together. I'm sure they don't have it together either, but at the moment, everyone else seems so much better off than we are...

Off to snuggle with the one who never seems to be happy. Hoping for better days to come. It's all I can do.

Deep Thoughts by Brendan

"How long will Sissy live here? She needs her own house and her own toys."

*sigh*

Mothers Throw Tantrums, Too!

That's right. I threw a tantrum in front of the kids lastnight over having nowhere to sit. I had made Ryan a bottle and sat down in the chair with her. Brendan decided he was suddenly in charge of where I sit while I feed her, so he started screaming. "Move! You can't sit there! That's MY chair! That's MY CHAIR Mama! Move Mama! THAT'S MY CHAIR!" Poor Ryan could barely finish her bottle with all the yelling, so I got up to move. That's when I lost it. He's still screaming, I'm looking around for somewhere to sit with the baby, and there's nothing. Nowhere to sit. The couch was covered in toys. The other chair was covered in toys. The chair I'd been sitting in was covered in toys, as I could feel the sting of matchbox car that had dug right into my right ass cheek.

"AND JUST WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SIT? THIS PLACE IS A DISASTER AREA!" I sat Ryan down on the floor, picked up the toy baskets that are SUPPOSED to hold all of the toys, and started chucking cars and trains in like crazy, all the while muttering not-so-kind words for bossy toddler.

10 minutes later the room is completely cleaned up and I'm covered in sweat. Kids are both staring at me like I've just grown 6 heads. "Thank you for cleaning up, Mama. Is it time for bed now?"

I'm ashamed to ask if I should do that more often??

Ryan's Stats

Since I never did keep baby books for either child, (slap my hand!) I need to quickly jot down Ryan's "firsts" before I forget.

1st roll over- the day she was born I think!

1st smile- about 4 weeks old, right here:



1st tooth- Popped in on April 20th while Brendan and I were in NYC with friends. The babysitter noticed it first and texted me to announce it. I cried.

2nd tooth- Popped in not long after?

3rd tooth- Popped in August 14th. Matt was in Vegas for a Bachelor Party and I texted him to announce it. I doubt he cried.

Sat up alone- Memorial Day Weekend.

Started crawling: Middle of July, right after returning home from our beach vacation in North Carolina.

Stood up alone: doing it now!!

She's crazy. Nothing like Brendan was....Brendan wasn't even officially crawling at this age. He was just a chubby bump on a log:



This is Ryan, crawling toward the camera as quick as an ostrich:



You get my point.

Stay tuned for more wonderful "firsts."

Brendan had no nap today. It's like a scene from "The Exorcist" upstairs. God keep me from getting in the car and heading for the nearest liquor store.

Fall is here...

...and I am too! I know I made a solemn vow to faithfully commit myself to keeping this blog back in....June, I think was the last post...but man alive, do these kids keep me busy! I truly am lucky if I get to eat a full meal some days. Summer was insanely busy with a energetic, potty-training toddler and very mobile infant. And facebook-ah, such a love/hate relationship with that thing. It has to go. Soon, I promise. It has kept me from writing in this precious diary of mine for so long and for that, I am embarrassed. If you're not on facebook, I congratulate you because it is seriously time consuming and can be borderline addicting if you let it become just that. I could sit and view photos of old classmates and their families for hours upon hours. I haven't even seen some of these people since Junior High, yet it's "so necessary" to see what they've been up to this summer by viewing pics and reading their numerous daily status updates. Why, you ask? Hell I don't know! That's the problem. My husband loathes facebook. Sees absolutely no reason to be on it. "If I didn't like anyone in high school, why would I want to be their f*cking friend on facebook?" He's got a point. Yet, most of my family is now on the infamous site and so are many close friends that I truly DO enjoy checking in with. I tried taking myself off it for a week and had major withdrawls...."wonder what my little brother is doing today...wonder if my sister-in-law posted pics of the kids first day of school...wonder what my mom is eating for lunch...." Well, I suppose if facebook is my biggest dilemma in life, I've got nothing to complain about.

Speaking of life...life is crazy. Brendan is 3 and Ryan is 10 months, already! Already!! I feel like both kids just arrived yesterday and gazed into my eyes at the hospital, probably thinking,"Wow, she looks terrible. Hope she perks up a bit!" When you have babies, every Tom, Dick, Harry, and Henrietta will tell you just this, word for word: "Enjoy these years, they fly by so fast." And you just yawn and say with an eye-roll "Yeah, whatever, I'm tired...hopefully they do fly by so that Momma can get a little shut-eye for a change." But man, were those people right. Brendan sprouted up before my very eyes. I have vivid memories of him just days old, napping on my chest The cute, twisted faces he would make as he'd lift his little fuzzy head to yawn and stretch, then lie down again for more slumbering. Oh how I'd give anything, anything to go back to one of those naps. Ryan is still my little baby, but even she's just about entered toddlerhood with her proud moments of standing all by herself. She dances to any music, even just a car commercial if it's got a good beat. She claps. She waves. She belly laughs like nobody's business, especially when big brother is doing something silly. She crawls at lightning speed which has put my mothering skills to the true test at times. "Who is upstairs in Ryan's room hiccuping into the baby monitor? OMG! It's RYAN!" She took those stairs like an escaped convict and never looked back. (thank God, or she may have fallen.) She's crazy. She's into things Brendan never even thought twice about at this age. Drawers, cupboards, the toilet, shoes....there are shoes scattered all over this house. She looooves jewelry already...can spot a sparkly earring from a mile away and will manage to unclasp it from your ear in a nanosecond. Basically, she's growing so fast, another reason I'm so angry with myself for neglecting this little diary here. She doesn't have all the funny stories and posted somewhere special online like Brendan does...I suppose it's never too late to start though, right?

I'm turning 32 on Saturday. I don't want this to be just any other birthday, not just any new year of life to celebrate. I just did some praying to God upstairs and truly believe that He is what led me right back downstairs to write. (he also mentioned that facebook, if used wisely, can be beneficial. Phew. He also mentioned he has yet to join.) Anyway, I prayed for many things, but most importantly, I prayed for myself. Sounds kind of selfish, but I need some faith in my life more than ever right now. I haven't been feeling very "motherly" as of late. Okay, as of the last 10 months if we're really being honest. Raising two kids has been hard for me. I love my children. Boy do I love my children, but the daily (and nightly) challenges can be very overwhelming, especially with a traveling husband. I'm ashamed to admit that my patience level isn't quite what it was when I was a nanny, raising other's children. I catch myself screaming at my innocent 3 year old for doing things a 3 year old does. I catch myself groaning when the baby won't nap, instead of being thankful that she's a vibrant, healthy baby girl who'd rather play with Momma than sleep. It doesn't help that we're dealing with a sibling rivalry situation between the two. Big brother is still. trying. to. accept the fact that he's no longer the only light in my life. He picks on her. Takes her toys. Pushes her over. Tells her she stinks. (and will eventually tell her she's adopted, I'm sure.) He torments her, and it's hard. I wasn't expecting this kind of upsetting behavior out of him, and I haven't been the best ring leader to try and change the situation. Every night, I get into bed and tell myself, "Tomorrow, I will not yell. I will remember he is only 3. He loves his sissy, he just doesn't like her around so much. He will one day. Tomorrow, I will not yell..." and on and on.

Back to the all praying upstairs that I was doing....I was praying for me. I need strength as a mother. I need patience. I need will power not to be such a screamer. I need to relax. I need to stop and smell the roses. I need to be a good Mom to my children. They need me to keep praying for all of these things so that I can continue to love them as much as I do. Man, I just wish someone had told me parenting was going to be this hard. It's not written anywhere when they send you home with that tiny, tiny newborn. It's all fun and games until big brother has a baby sister.

But, it's not all bad of course...life is actually really good, despite the toddler issues. The husband and I went to a wedding lastnight and like many other simple things that remind me of how incredibly lucky I am, something caught my eye: My husband. He looked downright handsome in his groomsmen outfit. Truth be told, he was the best looking dude in the place. Of course I always feel this way, but nothing like a navy blue blazer and khaki pants to make him pop. I'm so lucky. So lucky to have him. So lucky to have our kids. So lucky to have our families. So lucky to have that wedding where we danced the night away with great friends....

So, I'm turning 32 and with the celebration of another year lived, I am going to make some changes. I'm going to pray more. I'm going to devote myself to being a better Mom, because there's always room for improvement. Always. And most importantly, I'm going to live my life with a little more passion and meaning. My best friend once said, "We're only here once, make it great." Sadly she passed away just a few short months later at just 18 years old. I owe it to her to start living life the way she would have.

I posted a video below of a song that really touches my heart for some reason. "If I Die Young." Life is so fragile. Just incase I die tomorrow, I want you all to know this: I had a safe, loving childhood. I took a total leap of faith by leaving the only home I'd ever known at just 18 years old and flew across the country, only to find my new home. I have formed friendships so close, that really, they're my family now. I found the love of my life in a bar, so don't believe those that say bars are a terrible place to go looking for love. I didn't know what pure joy felt like until my babies were born....the kind of joy that makes you feel like you're floating off the ground and makes your heart skip a beat when you come face-to-face with them for the first time. And if there is one thing I have learned in life, that I get to experience every single day, is that children give the most unconditional love ever imagined. They don't hold grudges, they live in the moment, they wear their hearts on their sleeves, and they passionately scream and go after what they want. We should all live our lives like children, in a way. We should all live without judgement and love all others, even when they pick on us and take our things. The world would be a much better place, wouldn't it?

As I write, I am already feeling so relieved of the daily parenting pressures, and am just so thankful for those precious human beings asleep upstairs and all they've taught me. So thankful for this incredible life that I live with my best friend at my side to continue this crazy journey with. Thank you, God, for leading me downtairs tonight. He really does listen, for those who wonder.

I am done babbling for now and leave you with a couple photos for your viewing pleasure. Stay tuned for more of my greatness. :)

The Band Perry - If I Die Young

Great song...makes me think of special people in my life that died much too young.