Brendan had no nap today. It's like a scene from "The Exorcist" upstairs. God keep me from getting in the car and heading for the nearest liquor store.

Fall is here...

...and I am too! I know I made a solemn vow to faithfully commit myself to keeping this blog back in....June, I think was the last post...but man alive, do these kids keep me busy! I truly am lucky if I get to eat a full meal some days. Summer was insanely busy with a energetic, potty-training toddler and very mobile infant. And facebook-ah, such a love/hate relationship with that thing. It has to go. Soon, I promise. It has kept me from writing in this precious diary of mine for so long and for that, I am embarrassed. If you're not on facebook, I congratulate you because it is seriously time consuming and can be borderline addicting if you let it become just that. I could sit and view photos of old classmates and their families for hours upon hours. I haven't even seen some of these people since Junior High, yet it's "so necessary" to see what they've been up to this summer by viewing pics and reading their numerous daily status updates. Why, you ask? Hell I don't know! That's the problem. My husband loathes facebook. Sees absolutely no reason to be on it. "If I didn't like anyone in high school, why would I want to be their f*cking friend on facebook?" He's got a point. Yet, most of my family is now on the infamous site and so are many close friends that I truly DO enjoy checking in with. I tried taking myself off it for a week and had major withdrawls...."wonder what my little brother is doing today...wonder if my sister-in-law posted pics of the kids first day of school...wonder what my mom is eating for lunch...." Well, I suppose if facebook is my biggest dilemma in life, I've got nothing to complain about.

Speaking of life...life is crazy. Brendan is 3 and Ryan is 10 months, already! Already!! I feel like both kids just arrived yesterday and gazed into my eyes at the hospital, probably thinking,"Wow, she looks terrible. Hope she perks up a bit!" When you have babies, every Tom, Dick, Harry, and Henrietta will tell you just this, word for word: "Enjoy these years, they fly by so fast." And you just yawn and say with an eye-roll "Yeah, whatever, I'm tired...hopefully they do fly by so that Momma can get a little shut-eye for a change." But man, were those people right. Brendan sprouted up before my very eyes. I have vivid memories of him just days old, napping on my chest The cute, twisted faces he would make as he'd lift his little fuzzy head to yawn and stretch, then lie down again for more slumbering. Oh how I'd give anything, anything to go back to one of those naps. Ryan is still my little baby, but even she's just about entered toddlerhood with her proud moments of standing all by herself. She dances to any music, even just a car commercial if it's got a good beat. She claps. She waves. She belly laughs like nobody's business, especially when big brother is doing something silly. She crawls at lightning speed which has put my mothering skills to the true test at times. "Who is upstairs in Ryan's room hiccuping into the baby monitor? OMG! It's RYAN!" She took those stairs like an escaped convict and never looked back. (thank God, or she may have fallen.) She's crazy. She's into things Brendan never even thought twice about at this age. Drawers, cupboards, the toilet, shoes....there are shoes scattered all over this house. She looooves jewelry already...can spot a sparkly earring from a mile away and will manage to unclasp it from your ear in a nanosecond. Basically, she's growing so fast, another reason I'm so angry with myself for neglecting this little diary here. She doesn't have all the funny stories and posted somewhere special online like Brendan does...I suppose it's never too late to start though, right?

I'm turning 32 on Saturday. I don't want this to be just any other birthday, not just any new year of life to celebrate. I just did some praying to God upstairs and truly believe that He is what led me right back downstairs to write. (he also mentioned that facebook, if used wisely, can be beneficial. Phew. He also mentioned he has yet to join.) Anyway, I prayed for many things, but most importantly, I prayed for myself. Sounds kind of selfish, but I need some faith in my life more than ever right now. I haven't been feeling very "motherly" as of late. Okay, as of the last 10 months if we're really being honest. Raising two kids has been hard for me. I love my children. Boy do I love my children, but the daily (and nightly) challenges can be very overwhelming, especially with a traveling husband. I'm ashamed to admit that my patience level isn't quite what it was when I was a nanny, raising other's children. I catch myself screaming at my innocent 3 year old for doing things a 3 year old does. I catch myself groaning when the baby won't nap, instead of being thankful that she's a vibrant, healthy baby girl who'd rather play with Momma than sleep. It doesn't help that we're dealing with a sibling rivalry situation between the two. Big brother is still. trying. to. accept the fact that he's no longer the only light in my life. He picks on her. Takes her toys. Pushes her over. Tells her she stinks. (and will eventually tell her she's adopted, I'm sure.) He torments her, and it's hard. I wasn't expecting this kind of upsetting behavior out of him, and I haven't been the best ring leader to try and change the situation. Every night, I get into bed and tell myself, "Tomorrow, I will not yell. I will remember he is only 3. He loves his sissy, he just doesn't like her around so much. He will one day. Tomorrow, I will not yell..." and on and on.

Back to the all praying upstairs that I was doing....I was praying for me. I need strength as a mother. I need patience. I need will power not to be such a screamer. I need to relax. I need to stop and smell the roses. I need to be a good Mom to my children. They need me to keep praying for all of these things so that I can continue to love them as much as I do. Man, I just wish someone had told me parenting was going to be this hard. It's not written anywhere when they send you home with that tiny, tiny newborn. It's all fun and games until big brother has a baby sister.

But, it's not all bad of course...life is actually really good, despite the toddler issues. The husband and I went to a wedding lastnight and like many other simple things that remind me of how incredibly lucky I am, something caught my eye: My husband. He looked downright handsome in his groomsmen outfit. Truth be told, he was the best looking dude in the place. Of course I always feel this way, but nothing like a navy blue blazer and khaki pants to make him pop. I'm so lucky. So lucky to have him. So lucky to have our kids. So lucky to have our families. So lucky to have that wedding where we danced the night away with great friends....

So, I'm turning 32 and with the celebration of another year lived, I am going to make some changes. I'm going to pray more. I'm going to devote myself to being a better Mom, because there's always room for improvement. Always. And most importantly, I'm going to live my life with a little more passion and meaning. My best friend once said, "We're only here once, make it great." Sadly she passed away just a few short months later at just 18 years old. I owe it to her to start living life the way she would have.

I posted a video below of a song that really touches my heart for some reason. "If I Die Young." Life is so fragile. Just incase I die tomorrow, I want you all to know this: I had a safe, loving childhood. I took a total leap of faith by leaving the only home I'd ever known at just 18 years old and flew across the country, only to find my new home. I have formed friendships so close, that really, they're my family now. I found the love of my life in a bar, so don't believe those that say bars are a terrible place to go looking for love. I didn't know what pure joy felt like until my babies were born....the kind of joy that makes you feel like you're floating off the ground and makes your heart skip a beat when you come face-to-face with them for the first time. And if there is one thing I have learned in life, that I get to experience every single day, is that children give the most unconditional love ever imagined. They don't hold grudges, they live in the moment, they wear their hearts on their sleeves, and they passionately scream and go after what they want. We should all live our lives like children, in a way. We should all live without judgement and love all others, even when they pick on us and take our things. The world would be a much better place, wouldn't it?

As I write, I am already feeling so relieved of the daily parenting pressures, and am just so thankful for those precious human beings asleep upstairs and all they've taught me. So thankful for this incredible life that I live with my best friend at my side to continue this crazy journey with. Thank you, God, for leading me downtairs tonight. He really does listen, for those who wonder.

I am done babbling for now and leave you with a couple photos for your viewing pleasure. Stay tuned for more of my greatness. :)

The Band Perry - If I Die Young

Great song...makes me think of special people in my life that died much too young.

Pajama Time

Day at the Zoo

Brendan and I enjoyed a special "Mommy and Me" Day today. Things have been a bit....stressful....around here to say the least. If I hear "3 is the new 2" one more time, I might punch someone in the face.

Anyway, here are some gorgeous photos of my gorgeous boy. No matter how tough times get, I still love him with every beat of my little heart.

Nicknames for Ryan

Since we have a whole list of them accumulated for Brendan, thought I'd share what precious Ryan as been dubbed so far:

Diva
Screamin Diva
Beast
Ry-Ry
Ry-Lo
Rhino
Monster
Miss Priss
Munchkaroo
Sissy
Sissy-Poo
Turdface Stinkyhead

Okay, I added that last one in today because she was up all night and I'm wiped.

Long time, No Post!

I cannot believe I've let so much precious time go by without posting to this blog. I sat down today for the first time, in a long time, and the tears just flowed all over the keyboard. I'm so disappointed in myself for not keeping up with it. I can't explain why I'm so sad....maybe it's because this blog was always more than just a blog to me. It was like a diary for my son to read years from now. To be quite honest I used to get caught up in who was reading this and how many viewers I had which weren't many, so I kind of just gave up. Didn't feel it was worth spending the time on. But after looking back over this today, I realize what an awesome gift I have here. A gift for my children to read when they're older. A gift for myself! The only important viewers I should ever care about are fast asleep upstairs. This is for them, and I vow to keep up with it from now on.

So, so much has happened since my last post!



Meet Ryan Caitlin. Born November 16th, 2009. Boy is she something! She is 6 months old already and just adds to the beat of our hearts, yet she is another reason this blog had hit the dumps. From the day she was born until about 12 weeks old, I gotta be honest, she was not a happy baby. The husband and I were beginning to wonder how much we could get for her on eBay. (kidding!) No, really though, it was a very stressful time in our lives. In a nutshell, she was born. She wasn't happy. Brendan wasn't happy she was born. Nobody was getting any sleep. The screaming was unbearable, from each member of our little family. The holidays came and went and really are just a blur to me. I was surviving on roughly 3 hours of interrupted sleep each night. Brendan was completely out of sorts. He was so used to being the prince of the family that it was really, really hard for him to adjust. Everyone kept saying "what's the big deal? He'll get used to it....didn't you get used to your siblings?" People just did not realize how the world stopped whenever Brendan was around and now that he was sharing the spotlight, things got a little hairy for awhile there.

BUT....here we are. We survived that chaos and now have two beautiful, mostly happy children. Here is Ryan (aka Beast) now at a little over 6 months:



She is such a riot. She's nonstop. Nothing like Brendan was. You could put him on the floor and he wouldn't budge. Okay, so he was quite chunky and physically could not budge if you poked him with a knitting needle, but she is sooooo different. He didn't crawl until 11 months old. I'm giving her maybe one more month before she's ruling this roost on her hands and knees. She doesn't miss a lick. She's already aware of strangers, yet loves when they coo and drool over her.

Brendan loves her, and also loves to annoy her. He hides her binky's. He throws toys at her and blames his Woody doll. He takes her toys and stuffs them under the couch. But he also covers her with blankies, talks to her in the cutest voice, and will pat her on the head and say "you're so cute Baby Ryan!" when he thinks nobody is looking. I have a feeling that once she starts walking and shows a little interest in his cars, he'll have a best friend for life. I mean, he's too young to take money bribes for poses like this, so he must like her a little bit.



So here I am, now the mother of 2 children. It's hectic. It's tiring. It's downright physically and emotionally exhuasting. I know that I complain, a lot. But at the same time, sometimes I look at my family and wonder how I got so lucky. What made me so fortunate to deserve all of this? This is my family. This is my life. Thank you, God, for believing I deserve this.